The Zombification of Hillsdale College

Looking over Twitter and Facebook, I see that many humans believe we at Hillsdale College have become a college that 1) has made a golden calf of the current executive in the White House; and 2) that we are dedicated to taking over Washington, D.C.  Why?  Because we asked the vice president to be our commencement speaker.

Yes, yes, it’s all true. We’ve been directed to mention the bravery of our current president in every history class. Heraclitus and Trump, Zeno and Trump, Cato and Trump, Augustine and Trump. And just imagine how we now teach medieval history. Why Petrarch wants you to take over DC. Thomas a Beckett and his poor choice of martyrdom—why a true holy man should work in DC. How Aquinas’s On Kingship prophesized the coming of the 45th president.

And, in American history: how Trump would’ve crossed the Delaware; how Trump would’ve taught Lewis and Clark much about navigating by the stars; how Trump would’ve single handedly liberated Mexico City.

Then, of course, we have the comic book villain classes. How Darkseid and Thanos are really allegories of the Democratic Party.  These are our senior capstone classes.

And, just so you all know that each of us has been asked to do our part in our private lives. . . at our local parish, we’ve substituted Trump with Jesus. Every time Jesus is supposed to be mentioned, we say Trump, and all bend a knee.

Even in the Birzer house, we’ve done what we can.  We replaced the statue of St. Francis in our yard with a Trump statue.  We took all of our crucifixes down in the house—replaced with the official portrait of. . . yes, you guessed it. . . President Trump.

“Let us now pray.  Dear God, where we have failed, make us whole?  Let us never—as a body of faculty or students—ever believe in anything other than tapioca conformity.  Let us forget our noble heritage of being the first college to be color blind and gender blind.  Let us forget that hundreds of Hillsdale men died at Gettysburg to end slavery.  Let us forget all of this and always honor the name of Trump.  Amen.”



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